Even when I was little, I was a huge tomboy. I loved dinosaurs, Power Rangers, Yu Gi Oh cards, Bakugan, Tech Decks (those little finger skateboards.) I played football, I went skateboarding, I was (and still am) a martial artist. I wouldn’t say that I knew I was transgender from a young age, but I definitely leaned to a more masculine side even in my earlier years.
It was around the age of twelve that I first noticed that something wasn’t quite right. I was going through female puberty, and whilst most other girls my age were delighted by the fact that they were growing up and getting boobs, I was disgusted. I didn’t know why, but I didn’t like them – it was almost as if I didn’t think they belonged there. Regardless, I carried on through teenage life, still leaning to more masculine activities such as spending six months with the Royal Marines Cadets rolling about in mud. However, all this time I hated my body, and it was making me very depressed and anxious that I didn’t know why. I refrained from going anywhere social because I was ashamed of every physical aspect of myself for what I thought was no reason at all.
When I was sixteen, I learnt what the word transgender meant, and after spending days upon days Googling about it, I finally found the answer to the questions swarming around my head like angry bees. At that point I knew who I was, and I knew what I wanted. I desperately wanted to tell someone, but at that point I was so emotionally wound up that I couldn’t even risk the possibility of losing the love and support of those dear to me. And so, I kept it quiet for a few (well…nearly 13) months. In that time, I came out as lesbian as a way of testing the water to see how people around me would react to having an LGBT friend/relative. Meanwhile, I was forcing myself to wear ‘kawaii’ Harajuku-style clothing (frills, bows, pastel colours, skirts…yeah…) to try and make myself like being a girl. I thought that since I loved Japan as a country and thought that the style was generally quite nice that if I wore it I’d accept myself and like what I saw in the mirror for once. It was all very strategic, but hey, that’s how my brain works. Needless to say, no matter how much fake confidence I put out there, I just couldn’t find a way to like myself.
Then, on August 11th 2016, I decided to change my life for the better. Something happened during the earlier month that really struck a chord with me and made me realise that I shouldn’t have to live my life being unhappy. On that day, I told my close friends that I was transgender. Their reactions were absolutely amazing and though they were understandably quite shocked (I hadn’t even hinted at being trans to them before) they were all really supportive. Two days later, on August 13th 2016, I came out to my close family, and then to everyone I knew at the time via a status on Facebook.
I’m currently on the waiting list to be seen at Northampton Gender Service in Daventry, but in the meantime I am taking the male hormone testosterone on a bridging prescription. I started testosterone on 18/11/16.